Brothers and Sisters

1 Dec

Me: “Nolan, I love you.”

Nolan: “I love you too Mommy.”

Me: “I love you the most.”

Nolan: “Well Mommy, I love Sissy the moster.”

AND cue my heart melting. Nolan is absolutely crazy about his sister. He hugs and kisses on her almost as much as I do. When she wakes up in the morning, he has to be the first one in her room. He gives up (almost) all of his toys if she wants them and every morning as he gets out of the car for daycare he says “I love you Sissy, have a good day!” Never once has he asked why she is here, or when she is going back. If you ask him what makes him the most happy, he will almost always say Sissy. He asks me on a regular basis “Mommy when are yous going to have anudder baby in yours belly?” (the answer, kid, is NEVER).

As for Tessa? Her life begins and ends with her big brother. As soon as he walks into a room her face lights up much as I imagine mine does when someone puts an Applebee’s Perfect Margarita in front of my face (SIDENOTE: Say what you will about Applebee’s food (yeah, it’s not that great) but they do have the BEST margarita ever. Trust me. I consider myself a professional margarita connoisseur so believe me when I say that they are PERFECT. Moving on.) Her whole body wiggles and shakes whenever she sees him and all he has to do is smile in her general direction and it incites a beautiful round of those wonderful baby giggles. 

The interaction between Nolan and Tessa is, by far, the best thing I have ever witnessed in my life. Not only because it is sweet, but because I know how important the relationship is between siblings.  I didn’t really realize it until my brother died. Like anyone else, I kind of took my relationships with my brothers for granted. Sometimes siblings annoy you, they bug you, sometimes they can really piss you off. But your siblings are the only people in the world who should will be in your life in every single stage of your life. They will share most of your memories. If you’re screwed up, chances are they are too. If you have nothing but wonderful memories of your childhood, then you have someone who can laugh with you and share them with you. I know not everyone has a good relationship with their siblings, but I wish everyone could. There is nothing like it. You have a built-in best friend, someone who always has your back, someone who will be there with you through all of the best and worst moments of your life.

I am lucky enough to have been blessed with two amazing younger brothers. And while they of course drove me crazy when we were younger, no one else understands it when I say that Mom is driving me crazy or Dad is telling that same.exact.story.AGAIN. They are both such wonderful, funny, strong, and amazing young men. I am so very proud of both of them.

I only got 20 years with my brother Nathan. It was not enough. He is missing out on too much of my life.  I”ve had a lot of life-changing things happen to me in the almost five years since he died, and he doesn’t know about any of it. He was supposed to be here with me, raising our kids, visiting my other brother as he takes off on his new adventures in a far away city, sharing with me all of his experiences and memories and looking forward to years of new memories.

There is a piece of our family missing now and sometimes I get the feeling that we all just float around, knowing that it is impossible to fill that void, and not even knowing how to handle that. For me, that is the hardest part. There is a piece of my whole entire life missing. I can’t escape it. Everything in my life is infused with memories of him and the things that aren’t- the things that don’t remind me of him because they happened after he died– well those hurt too, because it’s just a reminder of another thing I cannot share with him.

On the other hand, I am thankful that I had 20 years. I had 20 years of his gorgeous, contagious smile, 20 years of his laugh and his super-tight hugs, 20 years of the joy and peace and love that radiated from him every second of every day. I can close my eyes and picture him breakdancing on my uncle’s boat, or playing with his baby. I can hear his voice calling me “Sis”.

I hope that my children have each other until they are old and gray. I hope that they have each other to lean on as they try to convince me and Hubs to go into a nursing home and I hope they can watch their children’s children play together. I hope they are as lucky as I have been, that they are always each other’s very best friend.

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2 Responses to “Brothers and Sisters”

  1. Beautiful Mess December 1, 2010 at 10:14 pm #

    Aww how sweet! I love that your kids love each other so much. As for the siblings, I hear ya! My little sister and I are very close and I love it. My other siblings and I are not close because of the choices they made and it makes me sad. It’s a loss of a different type.

    Give those babies a big huge kiss for me!
    *HUGS*

  2. Life of a Doctor's Wife December 2, 2010 at 10:06 am #

    The sibling relationship is such a strange and unique thing. My brother and I don’t know each other all that well… But I know I would do anything for him.

    I love that your kids already adore each other so much. Wonderful job you’re doing. 🙂

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