Please excuse the insanity contained within this post. Seriously. You may want to stop reading now.

9 Dec

I’ve never really been good at making new friends. I would LOVE to make new friends, especially because I find myself in this awkward time of my life in which all my friends who are married or have kids like me are too busy to properly maintain friendships and all my friends who are not married and don’t have kids are not as enraptured by my children’s pooping escapades as I am. Read: they have the kind of lives where being up at 3:00 a.m. doesn’t mean making  a bottle, it means drinking from a bottle — like Bud Light. So I find myself kind of lonely. Don’t get me wrong, my life is full, my husband is by far my best friend, but I guess I’ve just never had the kind of friendship like this. But I’ve always, always wanted one.

I would also like to say that I love the friends I have. They each provide me with a different kind of love and companionship and I am so very grateful for each and every one of them. BUT. I still feel kind of lonely. One of the things that I’ve promised myself in my quest to be healthy and happy again is that I will find and make new friends. Not because I need  to, or that my life is missing something, but because I want to. The problem with making new friends lies with my self-esteem issues.

You see, I always worry that there is something not normal about me. Like new people are going to thing I’m insane because my husband hunts 8 months out of the year (and that some of the fruits of his “successful” hunts are now stuffed and/or hung (in our garage! I’m not THAT person) (SHUT UP he likes it AND it keeps him out of my hair at least three weekends a year)(and trust me when you’ve been married for SIX years sometimes you need to get out of each others’ hair)) or that I read book s in the bathroom (does everyone do this??) or that I absolutely no way, no how, never ever ever ever will ever eat shrimp that is not dunked in breading and fried in vats and vats of grease (YUCK TEXTURE, EW). Will they judge me because I’m a working mom? Will they judge me because my house is small, because my kids’ faces are sometimes dirty, because I don’t have designer shoes?

 Over the past 5ish years I’ve been through A LOT of major, life-changing stuff. More than some people will go through in a lifetime. It has left me feeling kind of adrift and unsure of who I am anymore. And as someone who has never exactly known who I am, all of this upheaval has made it even harder for me to have a solid grasp on what makes me, me. So, for example, let me tell you this story. A few months ago I joined a writing group, hosted by some fellow bloggers. Bloggers who, by the way, are REAL WRITERS. Like write for a living. And are WELL-KNOWN. I didn’t realize what I was getting into until I began reading their little introductions. And threw up in my mouth a little. I was going to let these REAL LIVE PEOPLE WHO ARE PROFESSIONAL WRITERS read my drivel. AND I had to tell them about myself. I sat down to write my introduction….and….crickets. Nothing. I could not think of a single thing about myself that was interesting and/or worthy for an introduction. You guys, I AGONIZED over this intro. Finally, I pieced something together, but the whole time I was sure they were going to kick me out because if my introduction sucked so bad, why would they ever want to subject themselves to more of my writing? (They didn’t kick me out. Because they’re awesome. But OMG the anxiety.) Even now, even though I’ve written a couple of things that they seemed to like (But again, they’re awesome and were probably lying to be nice) and I even edited some of their writing, I have hesitated to e-mail them and tell them I’m blogging again. Why? Because I’m afraid they’ll come read this. And find out I’m crazy.

Yet ANOTHER example. My husband plays hockey in men’s league. A couple of months ago, at one of the first weeks of the session, another wife was there with her baby. We talked and talked and talked and I really liked her. I was thinking we had a ton in common and that I could totally be friends with her. But I didn’t ask her for her number or if she would be back at the rink in the coming weeks. I didn’t want her to think I was crazy and I kept thinking What if she doesn’t like me and wants me to stop talking to her??  I assumed I would see her again sometime at the rink. I haven’t. And I’m really sad about this. I don’t know how to get back in touch with her without seeming like a total stalker, and if I had just had the confidence to set something up to see her again (why does this all of a sudden sound like I’m trying to pick her up for a date??) I might have a wonderful new friend by now.

ANOTHER (yes, there is more) example of my social awkwardness. I recently crossed the line with a fellow blogger and we exchanged addresses for Christmas cards OMG. Now let me make clear that I absolutely-maybe-in-a-weird-way-probably-way-too-much LOVE this writer. She makes me laugh and cry, sometimes all in the same post and I can’t believe she talks to me, but OMG we are exchanging Christmas cards OMG.  I’m super nervous about this (not because I think she’s like a serial killer or something but what if she thinks I’m funny looking??) but really, I just totally want to be her friend. I don’t want to come across all Internet Psycho Stalker, but where is the line? Can I search for her on Facebook? Is that too much? OMG. And now she is reading this and she is very seriously regretting her decision to give me any of her personal information.

See?? Do you see?? I do not know how to make new friends. Good lord.

Also? THIS is why you do not blog when you have the day off tomorrow and decide to drink wine because your husband is working late.

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4 Responses to “Please excuse the insanity contained within this post. Seriously. You may want to stop reading now.”

  1. Life of a Doctor's Wife December 13, 2010 at 11:14 am #

    I am JUST NOW reading this for the first time and oh do I want to give you a big hug!!!!

    Making friends is hard. I SUCK at it. But if reading people’s blogs has taught me anything, it’s that most people (well, most bloggers at least) have the exact insecurities and weirdnesses that I do. And I never think anything but “wow, that’s an interesting quirk!” or “OMG, I have that same pickyness/anxiety/trait!” So – going with the blog logic that other bloggers are way more similar to me than I ever thought possible – I’m guessing others think that when they read about MY weirdnesses/pickyness/anxieties.

    What I am saying, in a long-winded way, is you should totally get out there however you can and make friends. Because people will WANT to be your friend. You are awesome.

    If you lived in my area, I would join you for the wine and ask you naive questions about babies and we would go out and look at the deer/bears/unicorns in the garage and give them names. I’m sure there are plenty of other people who would love to do the same.

    • Kristina December 17, 2010 at 5:13 pm #

      Thank you for this. I tend to forget that everyone is just a person, with their own quirks and embarassing stuff. You can totally e-mail me your naive questions about babies, it’s the only thing I consider myself an expert at (and I use “expert” loosely 🙂 )

  2. Jenn December 17, 2010 at 8:42 am #

    First of all, I do not find it weird that your husband hunts 8 months out of the year. I personally couldn’t stomach it, but it would never stop me from being your friend. AND… if that is the kind of thing that would keep someone from being your friend, then that is the kind of person you wouldn’t want to be friends with anyway. I’d imagine.

    Second, I read in the bathroom. If you mean in the tub and/or locking yourself in there to read where there is peace and quiet. If you mean while you are “using” the bathroom, then no… I don’t. Because I have issues about what kind of particles my book pages are exposed to, haha. BUT you are definitely not alone in that, if that’s what you meant, because I know lots of people who do and think that I am weird because I do not. 🙂

    Third, I can’t speak for any “real writers” (because I am not one) but I personally think that you are a FANTASTIC writer. You write in a way that ‘pulls me in’ and keeps me interested (and coming back to read again). You are genuine, and heartfelt, and interesting, and funny, and sweet, and you have happy grammar. Those kind of things? Make a great writer.

    Fourth, I absolutely ADORE this entry. I would even be your friend in real life (not that you would want to be mine, haha), if we lived close enough, because this entry? It sounds like it came out of my head. Not necessarily the things themselves, but the emotion and premise (not exactly the word that I am looking for, but I am lost at the moment) behind it.

    Fifth, I have received facebook friend-requests from several blog readers and it doesn’t bother me at all. Of course, I cannot speak for anyone else but most people who are blogging (especially if they use their real name and/or are willing to give you their home address for any reason) are happy to friend people on facebook.

    • Kristina December 17, 2010 at 5:16 pm #

      Oh, ugh. I have always struggled with making friends and have been lucky enough to stumble upon the good friends that I do have. But, for the record, the people that read this blog know more about me than some of my IRL friends, so I consider you all friends anyway 🙂

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