Someday

17 Jan

Some days I really miss sleeping in on the weekends.

Some days I look around at my house, strewn with toys, full of Target decorations and stained carpets and I long for a house that looks like it belongs in House Beautiful.

Some days I miss the time spent with my husband, going to the movies, lingering over dinner, or running off for a spontaneous weekend trip.

Some days my hand literally freezes over the check as I write out our payment to daycare. I miss having disposable income.

Some days, when I am tired to my bones, tired of little hands pawing me, tired of being on call every second of every day, I miss the days when I could take a nap, give myself a manicure, or spend hours shopping.

I try to remind myself that this life is fleeting. That all too soon, my kids will be grown and I will be desperate to relive these days. And it often makes me cry. I can’t imagine a house not filled with the giggles of children, or being showered everyday with the ease and willingness of their cuddles. I cannot memorize everything they say, all of their expressions, the feel of their hugs and slobbery kisses. I try, in vain, to commit it all to memory, but I know most of these moments will be lost to the passage of time. I already mourn the memories lost.

Someday, I will  sleep in until 10:00 a.m. but will still listen for the call of “Moooooommmmmmy! The sun is up! I’m awaaaaaaakkkkkke!”

Someday, my house will be beautifully decorated and I will long for someone to need me to clean up their mess.

Someday, my husband and I will vacation on a beach somewhere and I will wish for someone to run in the waves with me. I will be willing to trade that tropical vacation for one more weekend stuck in our house with Hubs and my kids, with nothing to do but be together.

Someday, I will have extra money to spend. And still, I will spend it on my kids.

Someday, I will hug my husband, and realize I haven’t felt the squeeze of tiny arms around my neck in 15 years.

When I get sad about the way that time marches me, unwilling, toward the days in which my babies won’t be babies anymore, I try to remind myself to enjoy the now. Things are going to move on whether I want them to or not. My kids will grow up. Hubs and I will get old. My life will be unrecognizable from what it is now. I’m trying to be okay with that. I can’t live in the past and dread the future.

Each moment that passes brings me closer to what awaits me in my future. It’s going to be amazing. There is much waiting for me. But for now, the life that I’m living is more than I could have ever hoped for. Each moment, as I live it, is perfect and beautiful and worthy of my undivided attention. And I don’t want to miss any of it.

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2 Responses to “Someday”

  1. Life of a Doctor's Wife January 17, 2011 at 4:07 pm #

    You are a wonderful, talented writer. This is beautiful.

  2. Jenn January 19, 2011 at 6:01 pm #

    Aww, this made me cry!! I think about things like this almost constantly. I actually get panic attacks when I think about not having kids in the house. I try to fast forward (in my mind) the years in between when my kids move out and when they have kids (my grandkids).

    I second the comment before mine – this was wonderfully written. Very thought-provoking. xoxo

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