Bring It

8 Feb

10 days ago, Hubs and I started P90X. 10 days ago was the last time that my muscles didn’t ache. 10 days ago was the last time I didn’t have visions of Tony Horton’s muscles dancing in my head. 10 days ago was the last time I laid on my couch after the kids went to sleep and got lost in the goodies stored on my DVR.  After gobs of sweat, multiple incidents of near-vomiting, and many, many cuss words directed at the direction of my television, I’m still doing it. I’ve done Ab Ripper X (and yes, it is as nasty as it sounds) four times. I have jumped, lifted, pull-upped (not a word), push-upped (still not a word), done YogaX twice (FYI, yoga is NOT PEACEFUL), lunged, and stretched, everyday, for at least an hour a day for 10 days (Scratch that. I had one measly day off.) 
I know 10 days isn’t a long time for a fitness program. I know I’m not very far into it and there is plenty of time left in this 90 day program for me to give up. But for me, sticking with something as hard and mean and nasty as P90X for 10 days is huge. I am notorious for starting a diet or fitness routine and giving up after about day 3. Why is P90X different? I’m not sure. But I can tell you one thing. I.LOVE.IT. I look forward to our workouts. And after we’re done and I’m a hot, sweaty, painful mess, chugging my Gatorade Recovery drink, fighting my body’s desire to collapse, I feel great. I am not going to quit this. Not only do I want one of those kick-ass bodies the people on the DVDs have, but I want to feel good. Accomplished. I want to know that I pushed myself to do something difficult and actually followed through. I’m not so good at follow through.
Back in September and October, I was running almost everyday. Only for a half hour, but still. It was something. At the end of those days, when the laundry was still piled up and unfinished, the dishes overflowed the sink, and I’d had a horrible, unproductive day at work, I was okay with everything that was left undone. I had at least accomplished something. And I lost 10 pounds and felt awesome. But then it got cold and the holidays came and 4 gained pounds and gigantic feelings of inadequacy later, I was feeling pretty crummy, not only about my health, but I was disappointed that yet again, there was something I wanted but didn’t go after.
It’s truly been the story of my life. I don’t know if it comes from a lack of self-confidence or because being driven isn’t a natural part of my personality, but I’m just not good at believing in myself enough to do things that might be hard or that I might fail at. But something I’ve learned since I started on the depression medicine is that in order for me to continue to make improvements and feel good about myself, I have to challenge myself. My life is not going to become what I want it to be simply by wishing and hoping for it to change. I will only be happy with myself when I know that I have worked my butt off to change the things I’m unhappy with instead of just belly-aching about it.
This is all a very long, very drawn-out way for me to say that I’m trying to make some big changes in my life. In reality, I already have. I’ve gotten healthy mentally. My marriage is better than ever, my kids are unbelievably wonderful, and I am finally in a place to appreciate my family the way they deserve to be appreciated. P90X is my road to becoming healthy physically. I will stick with it. I will reach my fitness goals.
My next step is a bit more complicated, but it is so very important.
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not happy with my job. I could go on for paragraphs and paragraphs about all the things that are wrong with it and why I hate it and why it sucks the life out of me. But none of it really matters. All that really matters is that it doesn’t make me happy. It doesn’t provide me with any kind of personal fulfillment and doesn’t pay me enough to compensate for the crap I put up with. I firmly believe that a job has to provide one of those things to be worth it and mine provides neither. It makes me crabby and stressed and me being unhappy for 45 hours a week isn’t good for me or my family.
So I’m making a change. It’s not going to be immediate. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to take time, effort, and I might fail. But with the support of my amazing husband, who has pretty much given me carte blanche to find something that makes me happy, and the help of a friend, who is amazing and who has already, just today, given me invaluable information, I think I can pull it off.  I’m excited. And hopeful. And a little scared. But mostly excited. Wish me luck!


7 Responses to “Bring It”

  1. lryanis February 8, 2011 at 10:21 pm #

    I happened upon your blog by accident and I loved reading about your experience with P90X. My husband and I have considered trying it together. If you can stick with P90X, you can mentally conquer just about anything. Good luck with your career change. Sounds like great things are ahead in your future.

  2. Heather February 9, 2011 at 11:25 am #

    You = AWESOME. I’m so so so so so so so proud of you. {{hugs}}

  3. Life of a Doctor's Wife February 9, 2011 at 3:52 pm #

    This: “My life is not going to become what I want it to be simply by wishing and hoping for it to change. I will only be happy with myself when I know that I have worked my butt off to change the things I’m unhappy with instead of just belly-aching about it.”

    Yes. YES.

    Go you! I am so excited for you I can hardly stand it!

    You inspire me in more ways I can count.

  4. Jenn February 16, 2011 at 12:45 am #

    Could your stick-with-it-ness this time be due to the fact that you are doing it together with your husband? I know that having someone there with me makes a difference for me.

    I have been looking into the P90X (my therapist is actually the one who suggested it) and I was wondering: did you have to buy any workout equipment (weight, bands, etc) to go with it?

    From what I have heard from various people, the workouts are BRUTAL but worth it. Yay for you for sticking with it! I tend to do the same thing, I will keep up with exercise for a certain period of time, then I miss one day or two days for whatever reason, then I feel like a failure, and then I think to myself, “What’s the point?” and I quit. It’s a terrible cycle.

    Good luck on the job thing! I agree with you 100% that a job has to provide fulfillment on some level (preferably some kind of personal happiness/satisfaction). I wish that our society would focus more on teaching people to do things that make them happy, whatever that may be. I have a friend whose parents pushed him hard all of his life, he had a decent career in law (to please his parents) but he was MISERABLE. He quit and works at a grocery store and is so happy, he is like a whole different person. Anyway, when people ask me what I want my kids to be, I say “Happy” every time. I don’t care if they are doctors or retail clerks or astronauts as long as they are happy.

    Sorry for taking over the comment section! I always write too much, haha.

    What I SHOULD have said was:
    Wow! I am so impressed, you are doing fantastic with the P90X! Good luck with the changes and I am so inspired by your journey to better yourself and improve the quality of your life! xoxo

    • Kristina February 16, 2011 at 9:18 am #

      I definitely think my husband is playing a huge role in my sticking with it. He is the most stubborn, determined person I know so when he makes his mind up to do something, he does it. So he is keeping me in line and encouraging me not to give up. (We actually got in an argument last night b/c I wanted to switch last night’s workout with an easier one and he wouldn’t let me, so I pouted 🙂 )

      You do have to buy pull-up bars (we have ones that you can brace in a doorway and were like $30) and weights or bands. We bought bands but we broke them all so we’re investing in some weights. Plus the program (to buy it new) is $120. So it is a monetary investment. I highly recommend it, though. It is brutal. And insane. And painful. But lord almighty if I don’t feel accomplished. Also, it is FABULOUS for releasing stress and tension. At this point, it has probably done more for my mental health than my physical health.

      I think that is awesome of your friend. I have seriously contemplated going to work at Borders. I think it would make me so happy to be surrounded by books all day 🙂

      Also, take up all the comment space you want, I love it!

  5. Lisa Scherer March 23, 2011 at 8:18 pm #

    Your so inspirational! To find the time for “YOU” is so hard to do, and to make this very intense (sounding…since I can’t say from experience..haha) work out a priority…kuddos to you! Awesome 🙂


  1. No Mom's Land - April 16, 2011

    […] It’s ridiculous. And I’m going to go ahead and let the cat out of the bag here but that new job I was hinting at? I want to be a writer. I don’t have any grand dreams of writing a book (although if I had […]

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