Can't even think of a clever title…

16 Apr

So are we all sick of hearing about how much I hate my job yet? No? Great. Let’s jump right in then, shall we? I’m in a funk. For no good reason other than it’s Saturday night and I’m already crabby thinking about how I only have one day left of the weekend. It’s ridiculous. And I’m going to go ahead and let the cat out of the bag here but that new job I was hinting at? I want to be a writer. I don’t have any grand dreams of writing a book (although if I had to pick one life career goal, that would be it) but I want to freelance. I want the flexibility of deciding where, when and how much I work. I don’t want to feel guilty when I have to take time away from work to visit my kid’s preschool. I don’t want to spend 45 hours a week living for the hours I’m not at work. I don’t want to squeeze a week’s worth of errands into two lunch breaks. I want to do what makes me happy.

But tonight, looking at another rejection from one of my proposals on Elance.com and seeing the tweets coming from the successful bloggers attending  Mom2.0 this weekend I’m overwhelmed by the number of truly talented writers out there. Not to mention the surprisingly high number of blogs I read whose authors are consistently offered freelance positions but whose writing is often sloppy, full of errors and generally nothing impressive (not to say that what I write here is stellar–but I just think, if they can do it, surely I can!). These people are already getting paid to do what I want to do. But what I have no real experience doing. No one is going to hire me just because I want this really badly.

So I sat down at my computer tonight, intending to work on more proposals, but I couldn’t come up with anything. And then I get more frustrated because if I can’t come up with anything now, how the hell am I going to make this a career? How am I going to find the time to build up a clientele when I still have to work full-time?

I’m not fishing for compliments here. I just need to write this out. I’m nervous and scared because starting my own business and taking a leap of faith like this isn’t the type of thing that comes easy to me. And if I’m being totally honest, I’m not sure I’m good enough.

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Have I ever told you we live on a lake? Well, we do. Tonight Hubs and I were walking down to the dock so he and Nolan could fish for a little bit. I was pushing Tessa in a stroller and Nolan was walking along side her, reaching out to touch her head and making funny faces to make her laugh. I felt Hubs’ arm around my waist and knew he was thinking the same thing I was.

“We have  a really special little family, you know?”

“Yes, we do.”

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I am so lucky. I have so much. I know this. I don’t want to be in a funk. In the face of everything I have dealt with in my life, this job thing is nothing. But in spite of all my attempts to make the best out of the situation, it is dragging me way down. I don’t want to jump into another 9-5 I hate.  I guess I just need to find some confidence buried deep down somewhere and get this show on the road.

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4 Responses to “Can't even think of a clever title…”

  1. ltotheizzo April 17, 2011 at 3:24 am #

    From what I can gather, being a writer is one of the most frustrating and worthwhile careers out there. I think you really have to develop a tough exterior shell because there will be MANY rejections. The important thing is that you continue doing it because you enjoy it, not because you feel that you have to. Do not give up! Switching careers is incredibly difficult and it takes a lot of guts. Try to make that inner critic a little more sympathetic and go easy on yourself. Allow for uncertainty and rejection. Take pride in small accomplishments.

  2. Life of a Doctor's Wife April 17, 2011 at 9:13 am #

    You know what I think, but I’m going to say it anyway: You have talent. And you CAN do this. You WILL do this. Like anything worthwhile, it takes time and energy and rejection and frustration. But keep at it, dear, you CAN do it.

    Especially because, as you note, a portion of the freelancers out there are not good. I see this every day, so I KNOW there’s a market for people like you who are careful and detail oriented and smart.

    It may be a numbers game, breaking into this thing. Which I know can be maddening and time consuming and seemingly pointless. But you CAN do this.

    Hang in there. It will happen. If I can do anything to help, I will.

  3. nwgirl April 18, 2011 at 1:26 pm #

    I’m not a writer, but I do have my own business and trust me when I say the mere act of trying is going to make you feel so much more confident, happy, inspired, etc… When I started, my business was not wildly successful…it kind of limped along for awhile. But I was so proud of myself for making a specific change to get myself on a path and eventually out of the 9-5. Stick with it and know that you are doing something great for you and your family!

  4. Lisa Scherer May 20, 2011 at 11:00 am #

    I totally and completely get what your saying. The photography market is sooooo oversaturated and when I stop and think about it or look at the other amazing talent out there I get so down and overwhelmed. But we work harder to find ways to set us apart from the masses. You will find that link and you will be awesome at it! Hugs!

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