Silence

10 Oct

Sometimes, there are so many things I wish I could say, but I can’t. At least, not to someone’s face. And really, I shouldn’t even allude to them here, but the past couple of weeks have kicked me in the ass emotionally and I’m at a point where I am just so tired of pretending things are okay when they’re not. I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of keeping quiet about how I feel. I’m tired of playing nice.

So here is what I’d like to say, but shouldn’t and probably never will, to various people in my life, if I were more brave, more confident, more ballsy.

“You really screwed up, you know? And I’m the one paying for it.”

“It really hurt when you abandoned me when I needed someone the most.”

“Everyone knows the truth. You’re not fooling anybody.”

“I’ve lost my last shred of respect for you.”

“He needs you, and you don’t care.”

“Just get out. Just walk away. No matter how hard, it will be better than this.”

“I miss you, but I miss the old you. Not this person.”

But of course, in the midst of all the turmoil and rage and fighting, I still have so much to be thankful for. There are many things that I most definitely should say, but don’t, because I’m not more brave, more confident, more ballsy.

“You will never know what it meant that you were there that night.”

“You saved my life.”

“Sometimes you are the only reason I get up in the morning.”

“You handled that with such courage and grace, I am in awe of you.”

“Your confidence, uniqueness, and lack of give-a-shit about what people think of you makes me happy.”

“I’m so very glad I “met” you and you continue to be my friend even though I bombard you with novel-esque emails and whiny work questions.”

“I miss you. Like crazy.”

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2 Responses to “Silence”

  1. Life of a Doctor's Wife October 10, 2011 at 3:05 pm #

    Sending you hugs and love and hope for happier days ahead.

  2. Angela Noelle October 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

    Hang in there. I hope this gave you the outlet you needed to vent your feelings.

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