Chasing Dreams

3 Nov

Well, that lasted just about as long as I thought it would. I made it through day one of NaBloPoMo. Go me! BUT! I was sick, so I’m going to cut myself some slack there.

Today, Amy at Just a Titch has a post up that literally took my breath away. She talks about how she went back to teaching because it was the thing she knew she needed to do with her life. But that it was hard, the hardest year of her life, but still the right thing in the end.

I’m struggling right now. Things at the duplex are going slowly and much, MUCH more expensively than we thought. Money is tight. I’m still not getting enough freelance work to compensate for me taking this part-time job to focus on my freelance career. It’s hard to know that I’m putting my family in a position where we have to worry about money (and when I say worry, I do not mean that we’re in danger of losing our house or not eating. I know that my worrying about money is nothing compared to what some people are struggling with in this economy) so that I can pursue my dreams. And yes, in the end, if this works out the way I hope, it will result in good things for my family – more money, more time together, a better mom and wife, etc. But right now? It almost doesn’t seem worth it.  

When I made the decision to pursue this dream of mine, I had no illusions that it would be easy or that work would just fall into my lap. But I knew (and still know) that working with words, that writing them and editing them and surrounding myself in words, is the one thing I’m good at, the one thing that I can enjoy getting paid for. But it feels like, amid all of the rejections and potential clients not returning emails and more rejections, that the universe or God or karma or whatever, does not feel the same way. That maybe I shouldn’t be doing this, that I’m not good enough, that it’s a pipe dream … that I’m going to fail.

I should say, amidst all this whining, that I have been incredibly lucky. I have one steady client, who will hopefully have enough work for me in the near future that I can quit my part-time job, who is teaching me more than I ever hoped to learn, and who is a really great person to work with. I have worked on some really interesting projects and, at the very least, have beefed up my resume a little bit.

But what struck me about Amy’s post is this:

When we “follow our dreams” it seems like it should be easy—that the clouds should part and obstacles should dissolve and the world should bow down because we are doing what our heart wants. It seems so easy to put something on a list or to blog about it and feel like things should fall into place simply because we want it so badly.

Freelancing is something I want so badly. I’m not the kind of person who takes risks – and quitting my secure, full-time job was a risk. So a part of me does feel like this should be falling into place – that I’ve already done the hard part – that me stepping so far out of my comfort zone should be enough and now it’s time for this to just happen for me.

But I know life doesn’t work that way. That all of this struggle and longing and rejection is teaching me valuable lessons and will make it that much sweeter in the end, when it hopefully does work out. But for now, after almost six years of facing struggle after struggle  the prevailing thought in my head is that it would be nice for it to work out sooner rather than later.

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One Response to “Chasing Dreams”

  1. Life of a Doctor's Wife November 3, 2011 at 10:51 am #

    Yes. This.

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