11 Nov

“I cannot believe YOU of ALL people would be the one to do this to me.”

Propping the phone between her chin and her ear, she started shoving pants and shirts and underwear into a duffle bag.

“Listen, Grace -”

“No, YOU listen! You’re supposed to be the one that stands up for me! I know this all sounds crazy, and I know you don’t want to believe it, for the love of God I don’t want to believe it, but it’s happening and I have to figure it out. And I can’t do that from inside a mental hospital, Rob!”

She heard him inhale deeply, and let it out slowly through his nose. Here it comes, she thought. The calm, cool, and collected Rob, ready to make peace and fix the problem.

“Grace, we just want to keep you and the baby safe. We don’t see another way to do it. After everything – ”

“We? WE? Who is helping you make these decisions about my life, Rob? Because I know damn well that I wasn’t consulted at all.”

She slung the bag over her shoulder and headed down the hallway, grabbing her purse and keys from the bench.

“Did you think other people weren’t worried, Grace? Don’t you realize I’ve been fielding phone calls for weeks? Everyone is scared to death. It’s clear that you’re not well and – ”

“Well if things are so clear to you, Rob, then please, explain it to me, because that’s all I want is for someone to explain this to me!”

She took a deep breath. “I won’t be home when you get here. I’m not going to let you shut me up. I have to figure out what’s happening to me – to US, even though you don’t seem to give a shit.”

Shoving her phone into her purse, she walked out the back door and slammed it behind her.

This post was inspired by a prompt from Write on Edge:

On Tuesday, I challenged you to write a conversation. But not just any conversation…

Using surroundings, body language, visual cues and blocking, in addition to the spoken words, show us who they are and what their relationship is without coming out and telling us!

All that, in 300 words or less. Did you pick up the gauntlet?


12 Responses to “Betrayal”

  1. earlybird November 11, 2011 at 9:57 am #

    Oh dear… If it’s ‘been decided’ I don’t think Grace will get away that easily…

    But where’s the baby? So many questions!

  2. Lance November 11, 2011 at 10:01 am #

    ummmm, did you have to repeat arguments I’ve had with women, before?…uncomfortable, here.

    I like the intensity. You shoved me into a really complex confrontaional conversation. Liked it.

  3. Stacey November 11, 2011 at 10:18 am #

    So good! You really captured the emotion of the moment and I love how easy it was to picture the scene in my head. Wonderful!

  4. Latitudes of a Day November 11, 2011 at 12:29 pm #

    I like the clear, decisive language. The woman sounds trapped, but she’s doing something about it. She doesn’t trust this guy Rob. Should she? Probably not. I hope there is more to this story. It sounds interesting.
    Where is the baby when she slams the door to leave?

  5. Venus November 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm #

    Oh god, where’s the baby?!?!?!? I’m totally tense now, and I’m pretty sure that means you did a good job. I like how you captured what it feels like to be on the receiving end of an intervention. The feelings of loss of control, of indignity, of denial. Great stuff!

  6. MJ * iNeedaPlaydate (@mryjhnsn) November 11, 2011 at 1:39 pm #

    I agree – where is the baby?!? And when is the book coming out?

  7. Sara November 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm #

    Okay, my imagination went wild with this one. I kind went to syfy section and wondered if she didn’t have right to be concerned.

    The dialogue was crisp and fast. You definitely get the tension in this woman and the anger.

    Well done.

  8. The M Half November 11, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

    Grace is pregnant. She’s going through some kind of emotional breakdown (which I would if I were pregnant too!) and Rob is the father, or her boyfriend/husband/lover.

    Very, very well done!

  9. TheKirCorner November 11, 2011 at 4:44 pm #

    This flowed, it sucked me in from the beginning and didn’t let me go. I wanted more at the end, I wanted I know that it was really good. You could feel her angst….I love angst!!!

    Well done

  10. mkk November 11, 2011 at 8:20 pm #

    intense and compelling!

  11. Cameron November 12, 2011 at 11:20 am #

    I hope Grace is pregnant, because otherwise, where is the baby?! The pacing here is great, and the action of packing the bags while on the phone lends it a great urgency.

  12. kindredadventures November 13, 2011 at 10:07 am #

    This was amazing. It was so real. I felt that it was a fictional story yet you or someone close to you has been here. The words were very real! The tension and flow were perfect. The dialogue was easy to follow and understand. I really enjoyed this, but it also took be back to a couple of experiences in my live that I had forgotten. Well done!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: