I’m beat

19 Nov

I loaded my kids in or out of the car seventeen times today. Seventeen. That’s one 28-pound one year old and one 40-pound four year old. The four year old mostly gets himself in and out, but still. My shoulders are screaming, my back is sore and my feet hurt.

The only part of me that’s not incredibly tired is my fingers, so I’m giving them a rest today and reposting something I wrote on my first blog (this is my third, if you’re new here.) I thought about skipping today, but I’ve made it so far with this NaBloPoMo that I really don’t want to leave a blank spot on that little calendar over in the sidebar. OCD, much?

**********

I don’t like to admit it, but I am a little judgmental. Just a little. Not really in a mean way, and not about petty stuff like someone’s appearance (Ok, that might be a stretch of the truth. Sometimes I judge people’s appearance. But just because your one-piece swimsuit has an attached skirt that goes over your ass that does NOT make it proper attire for the grocery store (especially when said skirt does not cover all of said ass). Sorry, it just doesn’t.), but when I think someone is making stupid decisions, I tend to pass judgment. Not to their face, mind you, but just in my head. That sounds awful, doesn’t it? Sigh. It’s not something I’m proud of.

Other people’s decisions are none of my business. I try to remember that you never know the real story behind someone’s behavior, that there is probably a perfectly good reason why they are a raging bitch every single day or why they spend money like crazy on themselves with seemingly little regard for their family or what in God’s name would possess someone to stay in a marriage that makes them miserable …

ANYWAY. All of this to say that I know it’s a fault of mine and I try to work on it. And it always leads me to wonder … what do people really think about me? Do they think I’m weird/funny/awkward/nice/mean/annoying? I just don’t know. I would hope people think that I’m friendly, compassionate, and … blech, I don’t even know. Most of the time I just worry about the bad things they may think about me. And obviously, no one would ever explicitly list all of my faults to my face, so I honestly wonder what goes through a person’s head after they meet me for the first time, and especially after they’ve known me for a while.

I guess I just don’t have a very clear picture of how people perceive me. Probably because I have no real idea how I perceive myself. I have never felt like I’ve known exactly who I am, what makes me, me. This stems from a life-long struggle to have any confidence in myself at all. My lack of confidence causes me to question my opinions, my feelings, my actions and it makes for a very distorted view of what I really stand for. A view that relies much too heavily on my obsession curiosity about what other people think of me. Maybe if I could figure out who I want to be, and not worry so much about what other people think I should be, it would set me on the path to figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

But how, at 27 years old, do you figure out who you are? If I’m lucky, I’ve already lived a third of my life. Isn’t this something I should know by now? Why do I feel like I need to have other people’s opinions in order to figure out who I am? So I’ve been thinking a lot about what is important to me, what makes me happy, who I want to be. I figure I need to start off with what I know for sure.

These things I know for sure about me:

-I am a good mom.

-I hate it when things aren’t fair.

-I really enjoy helping people, especially people who want to help themselves.

-I have a horrible memory.

-I don’t have a lot of tolerance for people who won’t take responsibility.

-I love the constant companionship of marriage. Even when it’s hard.

-I worry unnecessarily about money, and I’m starting to think I always will, no matter how successful I am.

-Reading is my greatest escape.

-I have a hard time giving my honest opinion about a lot of things. Not because I think I’m stupid or wrong, but because I’m worried about what people will think.

-I don’t like to argue, but I will when I have to.

-If given free time to do whatever I want, I would most likely use that to do something by myself.

-I don’t have a lot of willpower.

-I care deeply about my friends and would spend hours listening to their problems and providing support if they needed it.

-I have always wished I was prettier, trendier, smarter, more cultured.

-I tend to minimize my own struggles, because I always think that there is someone out there who has it worse than me.

-Sometimes I get overwhelmed by everything I want to learn, everything I want to do, that I end up taking no steps forward to learn or do anything new.

-I am calm in the face of crisis.

-I enjoy other people’s drama. That sounds bad. But I do. Hence my obsession with reality TV.

-I am a jealous person. That one is hard to admit, but there it is. I try SO hard not to be, and I really, really don’t want to be, and it is the thing about me that I would like most to change.

-I like giving advice. Not in an annoying ass-vice kind of way (I hope), but I really try to use my life experiences (especially the negative ones) to empathize with others and provide support. I hope this is not annoying to other people.

-I am stronger than I give myself credit for. This is the one that I need to remind myself of. Everyday.

-I am good enough. I might not be the best at anything, I might have A LOT of room for improvement, but I am me and I am good enough.

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One Response to “I’m beat”

  1. beckyday6 November 20, 2011 at 7:18 am #

    Wow, I really enjoyed reading this. I think this so much of the time, and it really made me feel like Im not alone. This is so similar to me its freaky,except that Im younger and don’t have kids haha 🙂
    Excellent post!

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